HIPSTER OWL: FUP, I'm just not that into you

Hey FUP, did it ever dawn on you that I'm disinterested in your stupid watermelon gelato because I’m a FUCKING CARNIVORE? Not to mention that I actually hunt my own prey rather than have my food served to me in cute little plastic bowls with neon fucking spoons, you lazy fuck. Did you ever stop and think that maybe it’s a bit ignorant of you to expect me to conform to your trendy scenester activities, like getting gelato? So I ask you, WHO’s the real asshole here, FUP?

And WHO’s calling WHO hipster? I mean, seriously…gelato? On our next date, are we going to jam out to some Peter, Bjorn & John while discussing the implications of regentrification over some fucking Pinkberry? Maybe after that we can cruise on over to the bicycle kitchen and build a radass fixed-gear together. Or perhaps you would prefer to share vegan cupcake recipes over some hot soy chai lattes?

Shit, boss. My only regret in life is not having talons capable of punching you or one of your little cohorts in the fucking mouth every time you ask me, “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?”

So, FUP, unless you wanna hit up the All-You-Can-Eat furry rodent buffet, stop blowin' up my iphone with texts to hang out.

In response to FUP's "Jaded hipster owls think they've seen it all" on 4/6/09

BAUDET DONKEY: FUP loves the ass sex... not that there's anything wrong with that

Oui, oui, I'm French. I'm kinky. I love the ass sex. And holy chocolate Jesus, I'm proud of it.

But what surprises me is that FUP seems to be into the ass sex too.

In fact, FUP seems to be especially passionate about the hairy ass sex... like dirty hippie hairy ass sex. Well, lay off the shrooms, FUP! This isn't a matinee showing of a high school production of Hair.

Tell you what, FUP, if you're so into the ass sex, why don't you just move to Vermont? Cause that shit's legal there now... not that there's anything wrong with that.

In response to FUP's "Start fucking, donkey" on 3/16/09.

BIGFOOT: How 'bout a big foot in your big face?

Now usually I don't get along with homo sapiens, but I don't mind tweeting with a few over the interweb. Yep, the www is pretty sweet, but unfortunately it also allows dumbshits with blogs (yes, I'm even including you, fucking Penguin) to rant about me, and then think that they can actually get an appointment with yours truly.

Hello! I'm freaking Bigfoot! I've avoided humans for like a thousand years. And, what, you think that I'm suddenly going to just talk to some little schmuck from the blogosphere? Oh, your little blog is having a fantasy week? Well then, let me just come out of hiding and give you a big juicy exclusive tell-all interview. Instead of Frost/Nixon, it'll be FUP/Bigfoot. I'll even let you keep the movie rights!

Damn, and I thought Bigfoot hunters were annoying... At least they have the guts to come out to my home turf and try to find me. Or at least pretend to find me.

Here's your exclusive, FUP: If you don't shut your blogging little mouth, I'm going to take that unicorn, shove it up your ass and make all of your fantasies come true.


In response to FUP's "Fuck you, Bigfoot"

CHIPMUNK: Lay Off Me, I'm Starving!

Dude, I just like woke up from a 90-day nap, and I am SO hungry. I could eat like an entire acorn tree. For serious. I'm not exaggerating. Oh my god, I just can't get enough of these kernels and seeds and shit.

But seriously, FUP, like why are you judging me, man? Let me eat in peace. I mean, have you ever slept 90 days straight without eating anything? Dude, I bet my left nutsack, yeah and I'm not talking about the one in my cheeks, yeah that's right, my left nutsack that you couldn't go 2 days without waking up for a Jack in the Crack taco run. Oh man, those tacos are the bomb! I know, I've heard the rumors that the taco meat is actually made out of some soy product or some shit, but OH MY GOD it tastes like an orgasm in my mouth!

Wait, am I still eating? Man, hibernation is a killer. And that bong rip probably didn't help either. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, man, fuck you, FUP. Fuck. You.


In response to FUP's "Chipmunks: What are they hiding?"

DORMOUSE: Everyone's got a price

Yeah, I may be a dormouse who had one too many mind-erasers at the bar with my buddies. But so what, FUP? I posed in a compromising position on a fucking flower. Big deal. We’re in a down economy, and I got bills to pay.

But check out this photo. OH. EM. GEE. I have 3 words for you: ANNE FUCKING GEDDES.

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This so-called photographer has made a fortune from juxtaposing innocent newborns donning condoms on their heads with various botanical species. At least I don’t look like a poop pellet being squeezed out of a flower-like ANUS in my modeling debut. How’s that for some blue steel, muthafucka?

P.S. You can Derelict my balls, FUP.


In response to FUP's "I Actually Feel Bad For This Guy" on 3/26/09.

THE PENGUIN: You win, FUP.

My friends, brethren of the animal kingdom and sympathetic humans:

After much deliberation with my closest allies in our campaign to fight back at FUP, it is with a heavy heart that I must inform to you all that we've decided to throw in the towel.

FUP, our feeble attempts at countering your quick and acerbic wit are no match for your overwhelming disdain of all things cute, furry, and non-human on this great big globe of ours.

And so, we concede. No more fighting back. You win. From now on, the Penguin will just sit there like a little bitch and take it from you. Congratulations, FUP.

WALLABY: Suck my ginormous balls

Well, well, well.

Here I am just enjoying the day, getting my tan on, when out of nowhere, FUP here, takes a cheap shot at my nards. Hey, I can't help it if the paparazzi is all over me to take a few snaps at my large gifts.

Looks like someone is a little jealous. Does FUP have tiny, little balls? Are they the size of milk duds? Hey, we all can't have big cajones now, can we? Life isn't fair, FUP. DEAL WITH IT. And let me just say that the ladies deal with my bowling balls quite well. Are ladies having a hard time containing their laughter when they see your tiny skittles?

And I like how you try to disguise your large balls fetish by attacking the color of my fur. It's 2009 bitch. It's sad to see that you haven't learned about the concept of DIVERSITY. And unfortunately for you, the size of your nuts proves that there is diversity in that area to learn about too.

Sleep with one eye open FUP, or you just might wake up to a Wallaby teabagging.


In response to FUP's "You've got some real balls, Wallaby" on 3/20/09.

LING-LING AND PING-PONG: We Must Have Missed The Memo

We didn't realize that homo fucking sapiens are the only ones allowed to stand on two legs. Oh wait, animals do it all the time. It's called bipedalism. Get over yourself, FUP. Besides, what looks more retarded: pandas on their hind legs or humans walking on all fours? Enough said.

BTW, what's with the jumpsuit the chick is wearing? Does she think she is part of the Dharma Initiative?

Beat it nerd.


In response to FUP's "Tipline Gets Results!" on 12/24/08.

POLAR BEAR: The Sun's In My Eyes, Bitch

Do you have any idea how much sunlight reflects off snow? Seriously, FUP, do you? It's like staring directly at an eclipse without that little homemade pin-hole shoebox device that you had to make in kindergarten.

And it's not like I can just pop on a pair of shades. My head is TOO FUCKING WIDE. You'd think that polarized sunglasses would be a perfect product for polar bears, but no, those douchebag marketing geniuses thought it'd be a funny idea to fuck us over with false advertising.

I don't want cataracts before i hit my stride in my 30's. I mean, what exactly am I supposed to do if I go blind? Play the piano? Have you seen my MASSIVE FUCKING PAWS? My stubby fingers utterly lack any sense of dexterity. Best case scenario, it'd sound like an elephant took a dump on the keyboard.

So EXCUSE ME for thinking it'd be prudent to preserve my eyesight by blocking out the sun with my paw. You know what? I'm done justifying my precautionary measures to you.

FUCK YOU, FUP.


In response to FUP's "Elitist Polar Bears" on 10/31/08.

Inaugural Address

Hey FUP, can you hear me? That's right, bunghole, it's the PENGUIN here, and I got something to say. You thought you were SO CLEVER and could just make fun of us poor defenseless animals and feel all smug with yourself cause we lack the linguistic skills to respond? Well guess what? We signed up for some ESL classes, and we're ready to exercise our rights to free speech. Yeah, that's right, we know our constitutional rights. Some of us even took online law classes from the University of Phoenix. Scared yet?

Well, we're tired of being picked on. And we're sick of being degraded on a daily basis. Are you ready, FUP, WHOEVER YOU ARE? Cause there's a beast of a shitstorm brewing... and it's heading your way.

Who's cute now, bitch?