Hey FUP, did it ever dawn on you that I'm disinterested in your stupid watermelon gelato because I’m a FUCKING CARNIVORE? Not to mention that I actually hunt my own prey rather than have my food served to me in cute little plastic bowls with neon fucking spoons, you lazy fuck. Did you ever stop and think that maybe it’s a bit ignorant of you to expect me to conform to your trendy scenester activities, like getting gelato? So I ask you, WHO’s the real asshole here, FUP?
And WHO’s calling WHO hipster? I mean, seriously…gelato? On our next date, are we going to jam out to some Peter, Bjorn & John while discussing the implications of regentrification over some fucking Pinkberry? Maybe after that we can cruise on over to the bicycle kitchen and build a radass fixed-gear together. Or perhaps you would prefer to share vegan cupcake recipes over some hot soy chai lattes?
Shit, boss. My only regret in life is not having talons capable of punching you or one of your little cohorts in the fucking mouth every time you ask me, “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?”
So, FUP, unless you wanna hit up the All-You-Can-Eat furry rodent buffet, stop blowin' up my iphone with texts to hang out.
In response to FUP's "Jaded hipster owls think they've seen it all" on 4/6/09