Tuesday, March 31, 2009

WALLABY: Suck my ginormous balls

Well, well, well.

Here I am just enjoying the day, getting my tan on, when out of nowhere, FUP here, takes a cheap shot at my nards. Hey, I can't help it if the paparazzi is all over me to take a few snaps at my large gifts.

Looks like someone is a little jealous. Does FUP have tiny, little balls? Are they the size of milk duds? Hey, we all can't have big cajones now, can we? Life isn't fair, FUP. DEAL WITH IT. And let me just say that the ladies deal with my bowling balls quite well. Are ladies having a hard time containing their laughter when they see your tiny skittles?

And I like how you try to disguise your large balls fetish by attacking the color of my fur.
It's 2009 bitch. It's sad to see that you haven't learned about the concept of DIVERSITY. And unfortunately for you, the size of your nuts proves that there is diversity in that area to learn about too.

Sleep with one eye open FUP, or you just might wake up to a Wallaby teabagging.

In response to FUP's "You've got some real balls, Wallaby" on 3/20/09.

Monday, March 30, 2009

LING-LING AND PING-PONG: We Must Have Missed The Memo

We didn't realize that homo fucking sapiens are the only ones allowed to stand on two legs. Oh wait, animals do it all the time. It's called bipedalism. Get over yourself, FUP. Besides, what looks more retarded: pandas on their hind legs or humans walking on all fours? Enough said.

BTW, what's with the jumpsuit the chick is wearing? Does she think she is part of the Dharma Initiative?

Beat it nerd.

In response to FUP's "Tipline Gets Results!" on 12/24/08.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

POLAR BEAR: The Sun's In My Eyes, Bitch

Do you have any idea how much sunlight reflects off snow? Seriously, FUP, do you? It's like staring directly at an eclipse without that little homemade pin-hole shoebox device that you had to make in kindergarten.

And it's not like I can just pop on a pair of shades. My head is TOO FUCKING WIDE. You'd think that polarized sunglasses would be a perfect product for polar bears, but no, those douchebag marketing geniuses thought it'd be a funny idea to fuck us over with false advertising.

I don't want cataracts before i hit my stride in my 30's. I mean, what exactly am I supposed to do if I go blind? Play the piano? Have you seen my MASSIVE FUCKING PAWS? My stubby fingers utterly lack any sense of dexterity. Best case scenario, it'd sound like an elephant took a dump on the keyboard.

So EXCUSE ME for thinking it'd be prudent to preserve my eyesight by blocking out the sun with my paw. You know what? I'm done justifying my precautionary measures to you.


In response to FUP's "Elitist Polar Bears"
on 10/31/08.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Inaugural Address

Hey FUP, can you hear me? That's right, bunghole, it's the PENGUIN here, and I got something to say. You thought you were SO CLEVER and could just make fun of us poor defenseless animals and feel all smug with yourself cause we lack the linguistic skills to respond? Well guess what? We signed up for some ESL classes, and we're ready to exercise our rights to free speech. Yeah, that's right, we know our constitutional rights. Some of us even took online law classes from the University of Phoenix. Scared yet?

Well, we're tired of being picked on. And we're sick of being degraded on a daily basis. Are you ready, FUP, WHOEVER YOU ARE? Cause there's a beast of a shitstorm brewing... and it's heading your way.

Who's cute now, bitch?