Sunday, March 29, 2009

POLAR BEAR: The Sun's In My Eyes, Bitch

Do you have any idea how much sunlight reflects off snow? Seriously, FUP, do you? It's like staring directly at an eclipse without that little homemade pin-hole shoebox device that you had to make in kindergarten.

And it's not like I can just pop on a pair of shades. My head is TOO FUCKING WIDE. You'd think that polarized sunglasses would be a perfect product for polar bears, but no, those douchebag marketing geniuses thought it'd be a funny idea to fuck us over with false advertising.

I don't want cataracts before i hit my stride in my 30's. I mean, what exactly am I supposed to do if I go blind? Play the piano? Have you seen my MASSIVE FUCKING PAWS? My stubby fingers utterly lack any sense of dexterity. Best case scenario, it'd sound like an elephant took a dump on the keyboard.

So EXCUSE ME for thinking it'd be prudent to preserve my eyesight by blocking out the sun with my paw. You know what? I'm done justifying my precautionary measures to you.


In response to FUP's "Elitist Polar Bears"
on 10/31/08.


  1. A littel modesty here, bear. Please? Ladies don't sit like an Underwood Spreadable if they want to be taken seriously.

  2. bro, if you're going to undertake something as time-wasting and derivative as a response blog, at least make it as funny as the original.

    otherwise you just come off as blandly ineffectual as the poor endangered species you impersonate so poorly.